I love you too. Always.
It had been nearly ten years since Wicked began, yet every year on October 30, I can’t help but have my mind wander to her and the beauty we shared. I will never forget the feeling I had when the curtain fell and the applause of the audience deafened the entire theatre. I never felt so alive and she was there right beside me to share the incredible glory, and now when this day approaches I think back and remember just how phenomenal everything had been, and how it was the start of something painful beautiful between me and her.
After the craziness and bows, we manage to escape to my dressing room to change for the after party, as we had made it habit to always come back to my room even during the San Francisco previews. We had gotten close, part out of necessity of the roles but the other because we had this indescribable chemistry I’ve never had with another co-star. Basking in the glory of this fantastic musical and the insane welcoming from the audience, Idina and I were hand in hand through my door while talking and laughing incisively about how great we felt and how amazing the night was. And then it happened. Before I could think twice, her satin like lips were tentatively on mine, with more care and compassion than I had ever felt in my life. I could feel her nervousness, and even though I knew I shouldn’t for obvious reasons, I couldn’t help myself. I knew I had more than friend feelings for her, but as someone who’s never felt that for a woman before, I pushed it into the deep darkness of my mind and heart. I figured they would go away by making it out to be that I admired her talent or that she was just a great person all together. This, however, this did not help my case. As her lips gained more confidence with each passing second, my brain was screaming at me. My heads telling me she’s married and this goes again every moral I was brought up with, but my heart didn’t seem to care. She was here, I was here and this was most definitely happening. We parted and I knew my eyes gave away everything I was thinking, but when she smiled they all seemed to vanish. There was no labels, no talking about it, but I knew this woman was stealing my heart and there was nothing I could do about it.
Throughout the next nine month, our relationship only intensified and I was losing myself in it. I lived and breathed for her and even though I knew it would never last, it didn’t stop my heart from beating for her. She said she loved me and I knew she did, but it didn’t stop her from loving someone else. I wanted to be with her and only her, but she was committed to a relationship that was seven years in the making and I couldn’t possibly compete with that. I turned a blind eye to it and enjoy what we had together while it lasted. Then I had to tell her I was leaving, and it could’ve quite possibly been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Deep down we both understood why it couldn’t go on any longer, but it didn’t make it easier when the time actually came.
We were in my dressing room and I remember pacing back in forth while Idina sat on the couch looking incredibly nervous while her emerald eyes followed me like a tennis match.
“I’m leaving the show, Dee.” I said softly, “I just can’t let this continue, it’s not fair to you or me, and certainly not to Taye. He’s a good man and he loves you more than anything.”
I could hear the gasp before the tears but I couldn’t bear to look at her, I was trying to keep myself together long enough to make it through the night. Her silence in words was enough for me to know that she understood, she knew that she couldn’t keep this forever. I still wasn’t facing her and as my words caught up to me, I could feel the wetness begin to pool at the corners of my eyes. My shoulders shook from a heavy sob I didn’t know I was holding in and I collapsed to the floor as I felt my heart breaking. As I went to wipe away my tears, I felt two slender arms slide across my waist. I let her hold me as we both wept knowing this beautiful thing we shared was coming to end. I turned around in her arms and kissed her with all the love I had in me, just hoping she knew that I loved her more than anything but it just wasn’t meant to be.
“You will always be in my heart Dee, never forget that.” I whispered into her lips as we both cried harder.
“I love you Kris.”
“I love you too. Always.”
The next few weeks were hard ones. We had stolen moments here and there, but we didn’t indulge in them like we used to. We both knew it wouldn’t be good for either one of us, and it was already hard enough. My last show nearly killed me, but I was an actor and I went and did what I always do and played out my role the best I could. We had moments when we both broke character, but the audience expected it and the emotions made for a more intense show. When the curtain fell and we made our way to my dressing room for the last time, the sadness and heartache was thick in the air. We past the threshold and almost as a repeat of the very first time, she cautiously kissed me with the same compassion as nine months ago. She was trying to keep it together but her composure cracked as my arms went around her neck. Our kiss turned into an embrace that said everything we couldn’t say out loud. After we separated, she decided to go back to her dressing room to shower and change, but made me promise not to leave before saying a final goodbye.
We were back to ourselves and walking ever so slowly out of the Gershwin, trying to make this final moment together last as long as possible. Outside I hailed a cab, and as it slowly came to the curb I felt her hand in mine tighten. Fighting back the tears, I turned to her to see streams of salty sadness flowing down her cheeks.
“Oh Dee,” I murmured, throwing myself in her arms. "We’ll stay in touch, okay?”
We both knew that at least for a while, contact would be too hard to maintain, but I wanted this to be as easy as possible for both of us. She nodded her head anyway, and as I wiped a tear from her face she brought her head down for one last lingering kiss.
“I love you,” she whispered into my mouth.
I sadly smiled at her, gripped her hand, and kissed her one more time. “I love you too. Always.”
Now I’m here, nine years later still thinking about those moments. I miss her and I can’t deny it. Things had changed so much since then but I still wondered if I ever crossed her mind. It was nice to be able to contact her every now and again through all this new technology, but it seemed like it was making those planted feelings come back to life. I know nothing will possible go back to the way it was, but I decided having her in my life in any way shape or form was better than nothing at all. She has a new life with a beautiful son, but I just hope she remembers what we had and that she really will be in my heart forever.
- Current Location:home.
- Current Mood: calm
- Current Music:friends on tv
- Current Location:In class!
So this week is definitely better than last, which is a relief because if I had to deal with two terrible weeks in a row, I might have a meltdown. Last week it just seemed like everything bad had to happen all at once, and I was super stressing out. This week I'm like well things will happen as they happen, and I am the only one that can do anything about it, so it is up to me to make my life what I want it to. You would think that would freak me out and stress me out more, but it was kind of relaxing, if that makes sense. I know that I have people in my life that will help me to the best of their abilities but I have to swallow my pride first, which is probably one of the hardest things to do. I told my mom when she suggested talking to my dad and asking for help from him that I felt like I just kept running back to mommy and daddy to bail me out and I didn't want to do that...and then started crying. She told me that everyone does it and that is what parents are for, to help you out when you are stuck in a rut and that hell she was still doing it that is why she had to take up residence at my grandpas because she is having a tough time. And I think that she is going to continue having a tough time because of the economy and nobody is hiring and it really sucks and I just wish I could make it better, but of course I can't. That is probably one of the main reasons that I am in college, so that I can be successful and be able to live without having to worry about money constantely like my mom did when she was raising us (mostly me on her own though) because I don't want to have to choose between feeding my kids, making a car payment, and having my children in activities. That is probably the one thing that I want above everything else. I don't want to give my kids everything though, because they have to learn just like I did that money doesn't grow on trees, and you have to earn things, not just be given things. Those kids and adults that are handed everything on a silver platter take soo much for granted (not saying that I don't because I do) but they just don't understand many things. Ok, back to what I was talking about in the first place, last week sucked. I am having money problems, but as I said I know that I will get by, it will just be a struggle. Last Sunday was also the three year anniversary of my aunt and cousins passing away in a fire, and lord so I miss them. I can't believe it has only been three years, it seems like they have been gone for thirty years. I know they are always with me, but that too sucks! Caitlyn would be 9 now and Carter would have been 5, and that is something that I just can't imagine because they will always be 6 and 2. Aggh, its just so unfair they didn't deserve to die....fucking kill people that are fucking murders and shit, but no good people and innocent children are the ones being taken. Fuck that. That is why I know that there is no "supreme being" guiding people on this earth. Then shit like that who not happen. I do believe there is one, but there is no guidence, she/he is just there so people have something to believe in. That is what I think, and I am determined to not lose my own beliefs to fit something else. I need to be myself, which I have a hard time doing and I don't know why. I am a cameleon, so my family tells me because I form to the personality of people around me, which blows. I was like what? why the hell can't I just be me? Therapy....looks like a great option :) Anyway this week pwned last week was my point in that ramble. haha.
So my friend and I were having a conversation about Sara Ramirez and how hot she is for like a half an hour...which I thought was pretty funny, and true...she is hot as you have probably gathered from my previous entries. Anyway we came to the conclusion that if I were left in a room alone with her, I would attack her. And by attack, I don't mean like attack...kill her or hurt her or anything. I would attack her and go all Erica Hahn on her, and those who watch Grey's Anatomy, this will not be lost on you :). I mean I figure if it can work for her character, why can't it work for her? And so what if I'm like 15 years younger than she is, if TR is doing it so can she. LOL, go ahead, laugh, but hey, a girl can dream. ;)
Ok, enough with my rambling....I should do my Latino Studies homework before my million meetings...ok really just two, but whatever. And this is for Steph....Seriously? Seriously. (Just because I haven't said it in my blog for a while :)).
- Current Location:dirty couch
- Current Mood: happy
- Current Music:Superhero - Sho!! :) :)
On that note, I must say I love Shonda Rhimes for bringing love of all kinds to the already amazing Grey's Anatomy. I am a big Callica (Callie Torres/Erica Hahn) fan, if you couldn't tell (*hint* userpics *hint*) and I just love their story line. On last nights season premiere, I have to say I am a big fan of cute, nice Erica. (Spoilers ahead, so if you haven't seen 'Dream a little dream of me' skip ahead.) The way she went all soft and made Callie calm down when she couldn't remember what to do to get Frozen man's temperature up, I found it quite enduring. And although there wasn't as much Callica as I hoped to have seen in this episode, I am kinda glad they aren't going to burn this relationship out like they are doing with Meredith and Derek. Ok my favorite part of the episode came within the last ten minutes of the TWO hour show. Callie walked up to Erica and said something along the lines of not liking to experiement and she's never done it before and yada yada. The look on Erica's face was absolutely priceless because of course she was thinking Callie was talking about their kiss and whatever-you-want to call it relationship, but she wasn't. It was funny, and great acting by both of their parts because film acting is all about the eyes...and they nailed it. (I should take pointers from Brooke and Sara if I want to make it.) Anyway, just the looks they were giving each other was just great (one is my userpic) and I am just so happy that Shonda might have decided for Callie to stop getting screwed over! (Literally and figuratively). AND...Sara couldn't get hotter I don't think. It is ridiculous, no woman should be that hot and talented! But she is and as my friend told me, if I knew her I would be MADLY in love with her. But because I don't know her, I'm not in love with her because that would make me crazy. I have a *mild* crush...haha. Also, Brooke....not bad either. Really happy that they gave her curly hair...made my day :)
As some of you know, I am a sophomore in Performing Arts and Women's Studies, and lets just say I am starting to freak out and stress out. I really need to follow up on my job applications because bills are not going to get paid from 70 bucks every two weeks. I also am starting to feel the pressure of getting my internships down because I have to do three before I graduate. AND I found out that my loan provide went under so now I have no loan for next semester which is just FANTASTIC! Other than that though, I guess I am doing ok. I doubt myself all the time, but that is nothing new, especially when I am in Perf, because those people are amazing and I just feel like I don't belong. I have to keep my chin up though or I really won't making in showbiz.
That is all for now, my class is about to end, so until next time. Good night and good luck. HAHA.
SIDENOTE: VOTE OBAMA/BIDEN 08!!
- Current Location:Physics...:(
- Current Mood: busy
- Current Music:The prof....
So 20 DAYS until Grey's Anatomy starts again, and let me tell you, I am super excited. I could use some gay panic to watch on tv. Plus I get Sara Ramirez and Brooke Smith back in my life once a week, which is pretty great!
- Current Location:The Sloss
- Current Mood: stressed
- Current Music:Toni Braxton
Here I am, sitting in my physics class, just waiting for it to begin. I have had a lot on my mind in the last day and I figured why not let the world know about it, what could it hurt. And besides, I have found that writing in the thing is like a therapy for me. If you have read my previous entries, ok just the last one, you will notice that I talk about a certain boy. Well I have some personal things that are eating at me. Tonight I have to talk to him and tell him that I need to figure out a) the reasons that my last relationship failed and b) If I'm even playing in that league, if you get what I'm saying. If not, in black and white, I need to figure out my sexuality before jumping into a relationships and breaking hearts (which apparently I have done already). I feel really horrible about pretty much leading this guy on and then not even a week later, I have to 'break' up with him...if we were even dating. Not sure about that because we really never talked about it, I just kind of came to that conclusion myself. I guess its better to tell him earlier and not lie to myself. On a brighter note, I found a women at the Women's Center who is gay and I think will really help me understand my own thoughts and feelings. I set up an appointment for tomorrow morning and I'm really grateful that there are people out there that I can talk to about this kind of thing. I know I have trust issues with men in particular, but I think this runs a little deeper than that.
- Current Location:Physics class
- Current Mood: confused
- Current Music:The dull drown of the professor
- Current Location:Sloss House
- Current Mood: happy
- Current Music:In the Heights
(I plan to become the next Sara Ramirez, so wish me luck....cuz I'll need it ;))
- Current Location:Community Center Computer Lab
- Current Mood: calm
- Current Music:CHER!