Here I am, sitting in my physics class, just waiting for it to begin. I have had a lot on my mind in the last day and I figured why not let the world know about it, what could it hurt. And besides, I have found that writing in the thing is like a therapy for me. If you have read my previous entries, ok just the last one, you will notice that I talk about a certain boy. Well I have some personal things that are eating at me. Tonight I have to talk to him and tell him that I need to figure out a) the reasons that my last relationship failed and b) If I'm even playing in that league, if you get what I'm saying. If not, in black and white, I need to figure out my sexuality before jumping into a relationships and breaking hearts (which apparently I have done already). I feel really horrible about pretty much leading this guy on and then not even a week later, I have to 'break' up with him...if we were even dating. Not sure about that because we really never talked about it, I just kind of came to that conclusion myself. I guess its better to tell him earlier and not lie to myself. On a brighter note, I found a women at the Women's Center who is gay and I think will really help me understand my own thoughts and feelings. I set up an appointment for tomorrow morning and I'm really grateful that there are people out there that I can talk to about this kind of thing. I know I have trust issues with men in particular, but I think this runs a little deeper than that.


 

Once Mark heard the click of the door shut behind him, he instantly began peeling his scrub shirt off. It wasn’t until he heard Callie sit softly on the mattress and not her usual plop of excitement, did he realize that this on-call room trip wouldn’t be like those previous.

            Callie saw out of the corner of her eye that Mark was half undressed and she proceeded to watch him process the difference of this trip than those they usually took as he redressed. It pissed her off slightly. How dare Mark think that she would have sex with him when he clearly knew that she was with Erica; she wasn’t George for God’s sake. Okay, so maybe she did try the seduction act to get him here, but that was all she could think of to get his undivided attention without screaming her news to him in front of everyone. She could feel his eyes on her, expecting something, and it almost made her feel dirty as she realized what she had become to him. She unconsciously licked her lips and tried to swallow the lump that was forming in the back of her throat.

            “Mark the reason I brought you here,” that sounded stupid and way too formal, she thought to herself. “Okay, the truth is…”

            “Callie, just say—

            “I’m pregnant,” She quickly whispered, cutting him off.

            “What?” he asked, having her repeat herself to make sure he heard her clearly.

            “I’m pregnant, and it’s….it’s yours.”

            “Are you sure?” he asked, no emotion evident in his voice, as he stood with his arms crossed, leaning against the door.

            “Am I sure of what?” Callie asked angrily, almost growling her words at him.

            “Both.”

            She knew which question he was really asking, and that infuriated her to no end. She was three seconds from kicking his pretty boy ass, and ask Meredith, there were times where Callie could release her inner cage fighter.

            “Fuck you, Mark,” she fired at him, pushing past him and exiting the room.

            The tears were swimming in the ortho resident’s eye and began to steadily overflow when she felt two arms pull her into an embrace from behind her. Her cries grew into sobs and she clung to the body of her holder. Mark came out of the room and received a hateful glare from the icy blue eyes of Erica Hahn over Callie’s shaking shoulder. His face stayed stone hard as he walked past them without ever looking back. Erica pushed Callie into the on-call room that she just stormed out of.

            “Baby, what happened?” the blonde asked as she pushed the wet dark hair from Callie’s face.

            All Callie could do was shake her head as she pulled at Erica, silently telling her that she needed this contact with her. Erica slowly moved her hand in a circular motion against Callie’s back, in effort to soothe her. She used her other hand to flip the lock on the door and she grabbed Callie’s hand, pulling her toward the bed. The heart surgeon sat down and slid all the way back with her back to the wall and her feet dangling off the edge. She motioned for the brunette to sit next to her and before she knew it, Callie was formed to her side with her head on her chest. After a few minutes of silence, Callie finally spoke, “He asked if I was sure he was the father.”

            Erica was stunned and instinctively rubbed her hand up and down Callie’s tanned arm in silent support. Sure she hated Sloan just as much as the next person, but she never thought of him as a complete ass in a situation like this.

            “He thinks I’m a whore, and he doesn’t even care that I’m carrying his child.”

            “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Maybe he just needs more time to adjust to the idea that he has a child on the way,” Erica told her, seeing the brunette shake her head in response.

            “I don’t think so,” Callie started, “When Addison told him she was pregnant, he instantly bought baby clothes and became father of the year. Granted we are not together but he is just as responsible for this as I am, and should show some sort of fucking emotion!”

            The tears started again and Erica kissed her temple, hoping that it would somehow help the person she loved try and get through this hard time. Sure this was hard for her; this was her girlfriend having a baby, which because it wasn’t humanly possible without some help….wasn’t hers, but this wasn’t about her. This is about how she had to be strong and be able to pick up the broken pieces of the one in her arms or the raven haired beauty may not survive.

            Callie’s voice interrupted her thoughts and caused her to jump a little at the break of silence. “I’m going to tell the Chief that I don’t feel good and go home. I can’t focus right now and I can’t risk my career at the moment.” “Sorry,” she whispered, referring to the leap that Erica made when she started.

            “It’s okay,” the blonde said as she brought her voice down to the level Callie was just using. “And yes, no career ending right now, you have enough to deal with.” Erica got up off the bed and held out a hand, silently telling Callie to take it. The brunette answered, threading her fingers through the ivory ones and she pulled herself up and into Erica’s embrace once again. Erica planted a chaste kiss on Callie’s lips and stared straight into her wounded soul. “Do you want me to go home with you?”

            Callie felt her heart flutter at the fact that Erica would leave something she loved almost as much as life itself to be with her during this shitty time, but she knew that she needed to sort her thoughts out on her own. “No that’s ok, I need to spend some time alone and think” Callie kissed her once more. “Thank you though.”

            Erica gave her a slight sad smile, “Ok, I’ll see you at home.”

            The brunette just nodded before exiting the room once again.

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            Erica opened the door to reveal a silent house. Usually Callie stayed up to ask how her day was before they both headed to bed. Although the heart surgeon was disappointed, she knew that Callie had an overly stressful day, so she let feeling smolder. She hung her coat by the door, slipped off her shoes, and dropped her purse before tip-toeing her way upstairs. Upon reaching the bedroom, she found Callie sound asleep on the bed, shivering at the fan that was blowing directly on her and her face sported the red, puffy, tear stained look. Seeing Callie like this nearly tore the heart surgeon’s own heart to shreds. Erica quickly pulled off her bra and exchanged her jeans for green plaid boxer shorts from Callie’s drawer. She accidentally caused Callie to wake from her slumber by trying to get the covers out from under her, but she was asleep in second upon success. The blonde slid into the other side, pulled the comforter over both of them, and snaked her arm around Callie’s waist. She felt Callie sink into her and mumble “I love you” before flipping to her left side, facing Erica.

            “I love you too,” she whispered as she kissed her forehead, and soon fell into a quite slumber.

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For the second day in a row they walked into the doors of Seattle Grace hand-in-hand before parting ways. Callie was determined to focus on the job she loved as it would help push her current thoughts to the back of her mind, even if it was just a day, it would be a break. She got to her locker and upon opening it she saw a neatly folded white note sitting at the bottom of it. Grabbing it, her mind thought of a thousand things it could be. She unfolded the piece of paper, her expression falling when her eyes began to read the words.

I quit today and am heading back to

New York. Mail the papers that deal

with the rights.

Erica stood silent for about half a second before she punched Callie dead in the arm.

            “What the hell, Callie?” she yelled, watching the brunette wince in pain and saw shock and fear flash in her chocolate eyes. “You really scared me for minute! I thought you were dying or something, Jesus Christ. I swear, you ever do that again-

            Erica stopped in mid-sentence because she could see that Callie was confused about her reaction, because lets face it, her girlfriend had conceived a child with a man she truly despised and she hadn’t kicked her out yet. Callie didn’t know what to think or feel about the blonde’s reaction. She was totally speechless and would open her mouth as if to say something, but nothing would come out. The whole conversation she had with herself before Erica came home was now useless, and she didn’t have a back up. Erica could read everything that Callie was thinking threw two dark brown pools and decided to end her suffering.

            “Baby, come here,” Erica said, reaching out for Callie’s hand and leading her to the dining room table.

            The brunette still couldn’t believe that she wasn’t out on her ass with Erica throwing all of her stuff out of the upstairs window. She was so inside her own head that she didn’t realize that had been seated with Erica sitting at her side.

            “Cal, I am a doctor and I know what can happen when a man and a woman do the ‘McNasty’, as it is now called,” Erica started, using hospital slang to try to lighten the mood and smiled when she saw the corners of Callie’s mouth upturn. “I knew before we got together that you were sleeping with Sloan, I didn’t like it, but I dealt with it because you were my friend. Now you are so much more than that, and I know as well as you do that you can’t change the past and what happens, happens. I would not allow myself to watch our relationship diminish because of something that happened before we were together, and if you decide to keep this baby, I am one hundred percent behind you. I love you and we have worked too goddamn hard to fall apart now.”

            Callie felt her emotions clog her airways as she began choking on her sobs. Tears quickly filled her chestnut eyes and the only thing she could think of to do was to grab a hold of Erica and never let go. She practically leaped into the heart surgeon’s arms, silently begging her to do what she did best; hold, repair, and heal her broken heart. Erica felt tears well up in her eyes, but blinked them away commanding herself to be the strong one while the other broke down in her arms.

xxx

            Erica intertwined her fingers with Callie’s as they walked up to the doors of Seattle Grace, and received as mixed look of joy and confusion from her. She smiled at the brunette, letting her know that everything was fine and she just didn’t care anymore if everybody knew, because in all reality they all did anyway. Addison was at the hospital for only a day and saw something that neither wanted to admit, then everyone else who say them on a daily basis knew weeks before they even had a slight clue. Erica could feel Callie’s hand tremble in hers and she knew that she had decided that today was the day she needed to tell Mark. The blonde stopped short of the door, yanking Callie back at her when she tried to keep walking.

            “Everything is going to be ok, babe,” she whispered in Callie’s ear as she gave her a chaste kiss before continuing walking, all the while never releasing the raven haired woman’s hand.

            Callie was in a state of shock. Not only was Erica holding her hand while walking into their place of employment, but she had kissed her right outside the entry doors. She felt as if she was being dragged along due to her nerves and the amount of time she was spending inside her head. Her hand got hit with an icy blast and she was forced back into reality at the sudden loss of contact with Erica. She ached to grab it again and hold her hand forever, but Erica’s pride was her hands and that included both of them.

            “I’ll meet you for lunch, okay?” Erica asked, receiving a nod as a reply from Callie and then watched her quickly slip back into her own world. She gave her a quick smile and kissed her on the forehead before turning and walking toward the surgical board. Erica released a breath she didn’t know she was holding as she walked toward the white board scribbled with names of doctors and nurses, when she felt no more eyes on her than normal. See it’s a new age, people are more understanding or just don’t care, she thought to herself before erasing all thought from her mind as she searched for her name on the marker board.

            Callie stood glued to her spot for another couple of minutes before feeling the eyes of nurses on her. She shook her head as if to move her thoughts around, and she started her search for the last man she really wanted to talk to right now. She rounded the corner by the nurse’s station and saw him walking toward her. Callie’s heart was beating so loudly, she was sure not only could Mark hear it, but the nurses at their station could hear it as well. She pasted a smile on her face and quickly raised an eyebrow seductively to get his attention.

            “Sloan,” she bellowed, watching his eyes light up like a child on Christmas, “on-call room, now.”

Pregnant.

            Callie had been staring at that little blue word for over five minutes in the comfort of Erica’s bathroom. The blonde was at work while Callie had called in because she currently felt like shit and now she knew why. Callie had made a quick run to the drug store to pick up something that would make the dull ache of her stomach go away for even just an hour. She briskly walked to the back of the store to get out as soon as possible because vomiting on the floor of a store was not high on her list of things to do, when her eyes briefly glanced towards a passing aisle and caught a glimpse of a pregnancy test. She continued walking until the wheels in her mind started to turn and she realized that she had practically forgotten everything that happened before Erica and her had gotten together. This hit her like a ton of bricks and she stopped dead in her tracks, almost causing the elderly lady behind her to run into the back of her legs with her cart.

            No.fucking.way.

Callie smile sympathetically at her and moved over toward the side. She turned around, going toward the pregnancy test that was now mocking her. That one test led her to what were probably thirty different tests on the shelves. Her eyes widened as they scanned the shelves, trying to find one that would catch her eye and get on with it. She knew that she could hop into her car and head over to Seattle Grace and get one for free, but Callie decided that was definitely not even an option. For one, she hated the new gynecologist and Addison wouldn’t fly all the way back from California again just to do a pregnancy test, even if it happened to be for one of her closest friends. Secondly, Erica was at work, and would inevitably find out that Callie was there as well, and she really didn’t think Erica deserved to be caught up in this. She knew eventually she would have to tell her, but she needed to know for sure herself before dragging the blonde into it as well. She finally settled on the test that stated in words whether you were pregnant or not as opposed to one or two blue lines or pink plus signs. She laughed bitterly at the pink plus sign and that was the first test out of the pickings. It was the test for the people waiting for something like this and who had planned for ages to have a small person come into their life. Callie was definitely not one of those people. Making the purchase, Callie left the store and headed back to Erica’s, where she promised she would be when the heart surgeon got off.

            Now Callie was reading her fate off a little plastic stick that she had just urinated on not minutes before. Staring at the little blue word, she was praying to a God she solemnly talked to have the word ‘not’ appear before the word ‘pregnant.’ No matter how long she prayed or how long she stared at that stick, she knew that the result was going to stay the same. She was pregnant, and not just that, but with Mark Sloan, man-whore of Seattle Grace’s baby. Once the initial shock of the situation wore off, sobs escaped Callie’s lips as she chucked the test across the room. She started hyperventilating as her body shook with fear and uncertainty, causing her to sink to the floor and curl into a ball. Knowing that she was going to pass out if she didn’t get her breathing under control, the brunette pulled herself up to the toilet and sat upon it, putting her head between her knees. A couple of minutes later, her breathing regulated, but the tears had yet to subside. Callie went over to where the test had landed on the floor, grabbed the box, and threw both of them in the trash on her way back out to the couch. She unceremoniously plopped down on the couch, her eyes finding the ‘flu’ kit that Erica had set on the table, consisting of saltines, aspirin, water, juice, and a bucket in case she couldn’t get to the bathroom. A sad smile appeared on Callie’s lips in realization that when Erica knew that she was inhabiting Mark Sloan’s kid, there was no way she would want to stick around. That coming across her mind, the tears started rolling down her cheeks all over again, making Callie curl up on the couch and bury her head into the Erica, vanilla scented pillow. Her fatigue quickly kicked in and the brunette had fallen into a dreamless slumber.

xxxx

            Erica arrived home to find Callie asleep on the couch, but even when the raven beauty was unconscious, she could something was bothering her by the way the crease in her forehead was still apparent. Deciding to keep that in the back of her mind and let her girlfriend rest, the blonde headed to the kitchen to stir something up that Callie might be able to keep down.

            Erica was letting the soup simmer and was mid-way through reading a magazine on the counter, when she heard footsteps pad across the tile floor.

            “What time is it?” she was asked, as she turned around to a sleep ridden brunette staring at her.

            “Around 8, why?”

            “Jesus, I slept forever!” Called yelped, causing not only Erica to jump but she felt herself leap as well at the surprised shrillness of her voice.

            “Well, baby, you are sick, so it’s good that you’re sleeping,” Erica replied before turning her attention to the soup on the stove.

            “Yeah, I guess so,” Callie shrugged as she went to grab something to drink out of the fridge.

            Callie’s tone and complete disregard for her health was more than enough for Erica to know that something was bugging the orthopedic surgeon. She stopped stirring the soup and walked toward Callie, almost backing her into a corner with concern showing over her features.

            “Callie, what’s wrong?” Erica asked, trying to meet the brown orbs in front of her, but the owner was looking anywhere but back at her.

            “Nothing,” Callie told her, instantly regretting replying with that word, because it couldn’t possibly be farther from the truth. “Why would you think something was wrong?” Her mind must have told her mouth to speak in clichés today, because that is what this conversation was turning into; one big cliché. She felt Erica’s eyes burn holes in the skin on her face, which meant that she was reading her, reading her like an open book, which she always seemed to be able to do easily. Sometimes that could be more of a curse than a blessing, and that sometime was now.

            “Because I know you, which is why I think something is wrong. Now spill it, Torres.” Erica said, trying to lighten whatever burden Callie was carrying on her shoulders by using the name she reserved for teasing.

            Callie smirked a little when she heard Erica call her Torres, but it quickly faded when she realized that this was it. “Erica, I don’t have the flu.”

            The blonde’s face quickly changed and a million different worse possible case scenarios went rolling through her mind. Did she have something that was far worse than the flu? God, she couldn’t lose her, she, no they had come much too far for them to get torn apart. “Baby, what is it?” Erica asked, instantly grabbing for Callie’s tanned hands.

            The shorter of the two stared up into the eyes of the person who had brightened every corner of her world when she figured George had darkened it forever. “When I tell you this, I will totally understand if you want me gone and never want to see me again, and—

            “Callie!” Erica interrupted her rambling, growing more and more worried with every word that flowed threw Callie’s lips. “Just tell me, you’re starting to freak me out.”

            Callie felt the tears spring in her eyes as she prepared to have her whole world crash down around her, more so than it already had. She took another deep breath before she began and focused on the hands in hers. It could be the last time she would be able to feel them. She met Erica’s baby blue gaze, feeling her knees go weak and just let the words tumble right out of her mouth.

            “I’m pregnant.”

            Those aquamarine eyes met her emerald ones, and instantly tears started welling up in both sets. Their angelic voices harmonized to the words that deeply touched both hearts, knowing this was the last time their voices would sing it together. The green painted hand clasped the small ivory one, rubbing a thumb across the top to calm the petite blonde’s emotions. The last note finished and the two women flew into each other’s arms, knowing that this was all going to be over, too soon for either of them.

            “I love you, Kris,” the taller one whispered into the ear of the other, making her costar break down in her arms.

            After making sure the blonde was stable enough, Idina forced herself back into character, her lines fumbling out of her mouth. Kristin pulled herself together for a few lines before falling apart again, clutching the black hat that held the sweet smell of her lover. The audience saw the sadness that Kristin showed on the outside, but couldn’t sense the deep sorrow and pain that clouded her heart and soul from knowing she was leaving her love.

            As the life took Idina under the stage of the Gershwin, silent tears spilled out of the eyes that matched her painted skin. She could hear Kristin’s beautiful bubbly voice deliver the lines in which she had become so familiar. She just knew she was the reason the blonde was leaving the show; them, their hidden relationship had finally drown her in guilt, and she couldn’t take it anymore. Idina knew in her heart that she would give it up all for her. Taye, her “perfect” life, her career if she had to, anything. Kristin was worth more than any of that. The knock interrupted her thoughts and she quickly dried her tears and snapped back into character as the lift took her back up to the stage.

            They finished the show and both women were back stage waiting to go on for the final bow. Kristin grabbed Idina’s hand, intertwining their fingers and stared up at her green pools.

            “I’m going to miss this,” Kristin whispered, reading Idina’s bare soul that retold the countless memories they shared as friends and lovers. Too many thoughts and emotions were swirling in Idina’s head for her to be able to get a word in before the curtain rose and they walked out hand-in-hand.

            Idina delivered speeches about her three costars that were leaving the show and her life, without even realizing that she was doing it. She felt so numb, mind and body. Her heart and soul would forever be empty as long as her life didn’t consist of Kristin Chenoweth. As the cast parted ways to clean up and get ready for Kristin, Joel, and Norbert’s going away party, Idina knew her must show its true colors.

            “Kris?” she asked, gently knocking and slowly entering her dressing room still clad in emerald.

            Kristin sat at her desk, staring at Idina through the mirror with tears floating in her eyes and down her cheeks.

            “Baby,” Idina whispered, rushing to her side and gathering the fragile blonde in her arms. Kissing her temple, the dark haired woman collected her thoughts, and tried to format a way to tell the on in her arms what she was thinking. “Kris?” she asked again, her heart crumpling when she saw those red rimmed aquamarine pools look up at her. “I need you, I need you to stay here. I can’t live without you in my life.”

            “Idina, don’t,” Kristin whispered, so softly she wondered if the brunette even heard it. She quickly got up out of the arms which held her when her hand was be grasped to indicate that Idina had indeed heard her.

            “Kristin, please,” she pleaded, tears filling her eyes, causing them to reflect a glowing green.

            “I can’t, besides you have, you have Taye,” Kristin managed to utter in a shaky breath.

            “No,” the other woman interrupted, tears starting to streak down her cheeks, “I don’t have Taye; I have nothing unless you stay with me.”

            Kristin could feel the sobs building up from deep down in her stomach; she had never seen Idina this vulnerable before and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. “I can’t do it anymore, Dee, I can’t live this hidden life. I need something more, I need to know that I can be in love and let people know.”

            “Okay,” Idina responded, nodding her head as she tried to suppress her cries. “We can do that.”

            Kristin felt her heart drop to her feet when the shaking voice of her lover reached her ears and she was able to comprehend what she was telling her. She was willing to give it all up for her; a marriage that had barely hit its one year mark and the family that she was used to. “Dee, you’re married. I can’t do that to him.”

            Idina’s head spun with the mention of what the ring that sat in her own dressing room stood for. “He loves me; he wants me to be happy. Sooner or later he is going to find that I am truly happy with someone that isn’t him.”

            “But you don’t love him?” Kristin asked, needing to hear the answer even if it would tear her soul to shreds.

            “I love him yes,” Idina told her, watching her eyes shift to the floor and her hand tried to escape her grasp. “But I’m not in love with him anymore, that is reserved for you.”

            Tear, heavy and large, fell out of Kristin’s eyes when those words were muttered. She pulled her hand free, still confused of her own feelings. All she knew to do was run, escape her problems; she seemed to be good at that.

            “I’m sorry, Dee. I can’t,” Kristin wept as she fled the dressing room, leaving Idina sobbing with her soul shattered and scattered on the ground beside her.

So this weekend, I went home (which is only like 20 miles) because my uncle, Chip was getting married. I am truely happy for him and I am so grateful that he found Missy and they have pulled through all their trials and tribulations, but it was still a little weird. Two years ago on Friday October 5, my uncle's wife Samantha, and his two children, Caitlyn, 6 and Carter,2 past away in a house fire in the early morning hours. This was extremely difficult for the entire family. I am very emotional and I was very very close with Sam and the kids and I didn't think I could ever recover and when Chip began seeing Missy I was very skeptical. It took me a long long time is understand their relationship and get it through my head that this was good thing. The more and more I got to know Missy, the more I was okay with it, or so I thought. About three weeks ago, I misplaced a necklace that was Caitlyn's and was very depressed for a week until I found it. For some reason that sparked skepticism in me again and I grew very uncomfortable with the wedding, and I was supposed to take pictures for them. Anyway, we found the necklace and I was forced to talk to Chip and Missy about it by Chip and they told me that if I didn't want to go the wedding I didn't have to. That made me feel even worse because this wasn't a day about me, it was about them and sharing their happiness. Well, my soon to be sister-in-law found the necklace at her house and I was instantly relieved. I and everyone around me knew that even it was the most uncomfortable thing for me, I was going to go to that wedding. I went and everything was good, hanging out with Missy and the bridesmaids, taking pictures and goofing around. That was until the reception when I was just sitting listening to really slow music, which always calms me and that allows me to think more. It seemed that with every word of a song I wanted to cry because I was thinking about Sam and the kids. Chip can read me like a book, well pretty much anybody can, but he is especially good at it. Anyway, so he asked me to dance and he asked what was wrong. Instantly I said nothing, but he knew that I was lying because I am a terrible terrible liar. He knew what it was about and he told me that he knew that Sam was okay with what he was doing and that he was back to being my Uncle Chip, whom we thought we lost there for a while. That made me feel better and then two of my best friends came to the reception and I was feeling a lot better and was able to enjoy the night. I feel better now that I have all of that out, so thank you internet world and Bless Chip and Missy and I hope they have a long and happy life together.