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I love you. Always. (Chenzel fic)

I love you too. Always.

It had been nearly ten years since Wicked began, yet every year on October 30, I can’t help but have my mind wander to her and the beauty we shared.  I will never forget the feeling I had when the curtain fell and the applause of the audience deafened the entire theatre. I never felt so alive and she was there right beside me to share the incredible glory, and now when this day approaches I think back and remember just how phenomenal everything had been, and how it was the start of something painful beautiful between me and her.

After the craziness and bows, we manage to escape to my dressing room to change for the after party, as we had made it habit to always come back to my room even during the San Francisco previews. We had gotten close, part out of necessity of the roles but the other because we had this indescribable chemistry I’ve never had with another co-star.  Basking in the glory of this fantastic musical and the insane welcoming from the audience, Idina and I were hand in hand through my door while talking and laughing incisively about how great we felt and how amazing the night was.  And then it happened. Before I could think twice, her satin like lips were tentatively on mine, with more care and compassion than I had ever felt in my life. I could feel her nervousness, and even though I knew I shouldn’t for obvious reasons, I couldn’t help myself. I knew I had more than friend feelings for her, but as someone who’s never felt that for a woman before, I pushed it into the deep darkness of my mind and heart. I figured they would go away by making it out to be that I admired her talent or that she was just a great person all together. This, however, this did not help my case. As her lips gained more confidence with each passing second, my brain was screaming at me. My heads telling me she’s married and this goes again every moral I was brought up with, but my heart didn’t seem to care. She was here, I was here and this was most definitely happening. We parted and I knew my eyes gave away everything I was thinking, but when she smiled they all seemed to vanish. There was no labels, no talking about it, but I knew this woman was stealing my heart and there was nothing I could do about it.

Throughout the next nine month, our relationship only intensified and I was losing myself in it. I lived and breathed for her and even though I knew it would never last, it didn’t stop my heart from beating for her. She said she loved me and I knew she did, but it didn’t stop her from loving someone else. I wanted to be with her and only her, but she was committed to a relationship that was seven years in the making and I couldn’t possibly compete with that. I turned a blind eye to it and enjoy what we had together while it lasted. Then I had to tell her I was leaving, and it could’ve quite possibly been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Deep down we both understood why it couldn’t go on any longer, but it didn’t make it easier when the time actually came.

We were in my dressing room and I remember pacing back in forth while Idina sat on the couch looking incredibly nervous while her emerald eyes followed me like a tennis match.

“I’m leaving the show, Dee.” I said softly, “I just can’t let this continue, it’s not fair to you or me, and certainly not to Taye. He’s a good man and he loves you more than anything.”

I could hear the gasp before the tears but I couldn’t bear to look at her, I was trying to keep myself together long enough to make it through the night. Her silence in words was enough for me to know that she understood, she knew that she couldn’t keep this forever. I still wasn’t facing her and as my words caught up to me, I could feel the wetness begin to pool at the corners of my eyes. My shoulders shook from a heavy sob I didn’t know I was holding in and I collapsed to the floor as I felt my heart breaking. As I went to wipe away my tears, I felt two slender arms slide across my waist. I let her hold me as we both wept knowing this beautiful thing we shared was coming to end. I turned around in her arms and kissed her with all the love I had in me, just hoping she knew that I loved her more than anything but it just wasn’t meant to be.

“You will always be in my heart Dee, never forget that.” I whispered into her lips as we both cried harder.

“I love you Kris.”

“I love you too. Always.”

The next few weeks were hard ones. We had stolen moments here and there, but we didn’t indulge in them like we used to. We both knew it wouldn’t be good for either one of us, and it was already hard enough. My last show nearly killed me, but I was an actor and I went and did what I always do and played out my role the best I could. We had moments when we both broke character, but the audience expected it and the emotions made for a more intense show. When the curtain fell and we made our way to my dressing room for the last time, the sadness and heartache was thick in the air. We past the threshold and almost as a repeat of the very first time, she cautiously kissed me with the same compassion as nine months ago. She was trying to keep it together but her composure cracked as my arms went around her neck. Our kiss turned into an embrace that said everything we couldn’t say out loud.  After we separated, she decided to go back to her dressing room to shower and change, but made me promise not to leave before saying a final goodbye.

We were back to ourselves and walking ever so slowly out of the Gershwin, trying to make this final moment together last as long as possible. Outside I hailed a cab, and as it slowly came to the curb I felt her hand in mine tighten. Fighting back the tears, I turned to her to see streams of salty sadness flowing down her cheeks.

“Oh Dee,” I murmured, throwing myself in her arms. "We’ll stay in touch, okay?”

We both knew that at least for a while, contact would be too hard to maintain, but I wanted this to be as easy as possible for both of us. She nodded her head anyway, and as I wiped a tear from her face she brought her head down for one last lingering kiss.

“I love you,” she whispered into my mouth.

I sadly smiled at her, gripped her hand, and kissed her one more time. “I love you too. Always.”

Now I’m here, nine years later still thinking about those moments. I miss her and I can’t deny it. Things had changed so much since then but I still wondered if I ever crossed her mind. It was nice to be able to contact her every now and again through all this new technology, but it seemed like it was making those planted feelings come back to life. I know nothing will possible go back to the way it was, but I decided having her in my life in any way shape or form was better than nothing at all. She has a new life with a beautiful son, but I just hope she remembers what we had and that she really will be in my heart forever. 


Writer's Block: Almost Famous

What celebrity do you think looks like you? What celebrity do other people say you look like?
I don't think that i look like any celebrity really. I have had people say that I look like Sara Ramirez, which was probably the greatest comment I have gotten ever. I really don't think I look like her but thanks!

Written Petitions

So this is what I'm going to do because Brooke being fired is outrageous. I need your help though for this to work. I am going to have written petitions about the her being fired and that it is completely ridiculous that it happened this way and having people at my school and community sign it. It's not just the firing of her that pisses me off, but the continuing oppression of the LGBTQ community. So I need you guys to do it too. I want to petition for a week and therefore have signatures but next tuesday and then that following week send them to ABC. I think with a flood of signatures, it might just help them see what a dumb move this was. So please help me with this!

....All I need is a Superhero....

Here I am sitting on my slightly dirty white couch...ok more of a off-white yellow couch now (hey it was free) listening to Shoshana Bean's new single, Superhero, and let me tell you just how much I love it. I LOVE IT! :) I mean, Sho is incredible to begin with, but I relate to this song, and when I do that, I just love a song so much more. And, not only that, but I have fallen in love with Spotlight and If this isn't love by Jennifer Hudson and Crush by David Archuleta. So those are the four songs that are on repeat on my itunes as I am typing this, which is what I do with songs. :)

So this week is definitely better than last, which is a relief because if I had to deal with two terrible weeks in a row, I might have a meltdown. Last week it just seemed like everything bad had to happen all at once, and I was super stressing out. This week I'm like well things will happen as they happen, and I am the only one that can do anything about it, so it is up to me to make my life what I want it to. You would think that would freak me out and stress me out more, but it was kind of relaxing, if that makes sense. I know that I have people in my life that will help me to the best of their abilities but I have to swallow my pride first, which is probably one of the hardest things to do. I told my mom when she suggested talking to my dad and asking for help from him that I felt like I just kept running back to mommy and daddy to bail me out and I didn't want to do that...and then started crying. She told me that everyone does it and that is what parents are for, to help you out when you are stuck in a rut and that hell she was still doing it that is why she had to take up residence at my grandpas because she is having a tough time. And I think that she is going to continue having a tough time because of the economy and nobody is hiring and it really sucks and I just wish I could make it better, but of course I can't. That is probably one of the main reasons that I am in college, so that I can be successful and be able to live without having to worry about money constantely like my mom did when she was raising us (mostly me on her own though) because I don't want to have to choose between feeding my kids, making a car payment, and having my children in activities. That is probably the one thing that I want above everything else. I don't want to give my kids everything though, because they have to learn just like I did that money doesn't grow on trees, and you have to earn things, not just be given things. Those kids and adults that are handed everything on a silver platter take soo much for granted (not saying that I don't because I do) but they just don't understand many things. Ok, back to what I was talking about in the first place, last week sucked. I am having money problems, but as I said I know that I will get by, it will just be a struggle. Last Sunday was also the three year anniversary of my aunt and cousins passing away in a fire, and lord so I miss them. I can't believe it has only been three years, it seems like they have been gone for thirty years. I know they are always with me, but that too sucks! Caitlyn would be 9 now and Carter would have been 5, and that is something that I just can't imagine because they will always be 6 and 2. Aggh, its just so unfair they didn't deserve to die....fucking kill people that are fucking murders and shit, but no good people and innocent children are the ones being taken. Fuck that. That is why I know that there is no "supreme being" guiding people on this earth. Then shit like that who not happen. I do believe there is one, but there is no guidence, she/he is just there so people have something to believe in. That is what I think, and I am determined to not lose my own beliefs to fit something else. I need to be myself, which I have a hard time doing and I don't know why. I am a cameleon, so my family tells me because I form to the personality of people around me, which blows. I was like what? why the hell can't I just be me? Therapy....looks like a great option :) Anyway this week pwned last week was my point in that ramble. haha.

So my friend and I were having a conversation about Sara Ramirez and how hot she is for like a half an hour...which I thought was pretty funny, and true...she is hot as you have probably gathered from my previous entries. Anyway we came to the conclusion that if I were left in a room alone with her, I would attack her. And by attack, I don't mean like attack...kill her or hurt her or anything. I would attack her and go all Erica Hahn on her, and those who watch Grey's Anatomy, this will not be lost on you :). I mean I figure if it can work for her character, why can't it work for her? And so what if I'm like 15 years younger than she is, if TR is doing it so can she. LOL, go ahead, laugh, but hey, a girl can dream. ;)

Ok, enough with my rambling....I should do my Latino Studies homework before my million meetings...ok really just two, but whatever. And this is for Steph....Seriously? Seriously. (Just because I haven't said it in my blog for a while :)).

Sara Ramirez = HOT!

So because my journal is in such high demand (*cough* steph (not me in third person) *cough*), I decided that it was time for an update. So I am in the process of coming out as bisexual to my family, and it is definitely a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. Because I am so close to them, I figured it would be a breeze, but I found that it almost makes it harder. You feel almost like you might let someone down because they have envisioned a path for you, and you are straying from the given path. I have been extremely fortunate to have people in my life that are extremely understanding and I haven't had any negative reactions from the people I have told because they really just want me to be happy, and if that happens to be spending my life loving a woman, then so be it. I love them for that, let me tell you, because I have been reading and watching the stories where they are banned from the families they have known all their life, simply because they choose love over gender. There are certain people in my life that I wouldn't tell unless I happen to date and fall in love with a woman, then it becomes a little hard to hide, not that i would hide it because love doesn't deserve to be hidden. Love is love, and it deserves equality.
On that note, I must say I love Shonda Rhimes for bringing love of all kinds to the already amazing Grey's Anatomy. I am a big Callica (Callie Torres/Erica Hahn) fan, if you couldn't tell (*hint* userpics *hint*) and I just love their story line. On last nights season premiere, I have to say I am a big fan of cute, nice Erica. (Spoilers ahead, so if you haven't seen 'Dream a little dream of me' skip ahead.) The way she went all soft and made Callie calm down when she couldn't remember what to do to get Frozen man's temperature up, I found it quite enduring. And although there wasn't as much Callica as I hoped to have seen in this episode, I am kinda glad they aren't going to burn this relationship out like they are doing with Meredith and Derek. Ok my favorite part of the episode came within the last ten minutes of the TWO hour show. Callie walked up to Erica and said something along the lines of not liking to experiement and she's never done it before and yada yada. The look on Erica's face was absolutely priceless because of course she was thinking Callie was talking about their kiss and whatever-you-want to call it relationship, but she wasn't. It was funny, and great acting by both of their parts because film acting is all about the eyes...and they nailed it. (I should take pointers from Brooke and Sara if I want to make it.) Anyway, just the looks they were giving each other was just great (one is my userpic) and I am just so happy that Shonda might have decided for Callie to stop getting screwed over! (Literally and figuratively). AND...Sara couldn't get hotter I don't think. It is ridiculous, no woman should be that hot and talented! But she is and as my friend told me, if I knew her I would be MADLY in love with her. But because I don't know her, I'm not in love with her because that would make me crazy. I have a *mild* crush...haha. Also, Brooke....not bad either. Really happy that they gave her curly hair...made my day :)
As some of you know, I am a sophomore in Performing Arts and Women's Studies, and lets just say I am starting to freak out and stress out. I really need to follow up on my job applications because bills are not going to get paid from 70 bucks every two weeks. I also am starting to feel the pressure of getting my internships down because I have to do three before I graduate. AND I found out that my loan provide went under so now I have no loan for next semester which is just FANTASTIC! Other than that though, I guess I am doing ok. I doubt myself all the time, but that is nothing new, especially when I am in Perf, because those people are amazing and I just feel like I don't belong. I have to keep my chin up though or I really won't making in showbiz.
That is all for now, my class is about to end, so until next time. Good night and good luck. HAHA.

Holy stress!

I just finished skipping my math class so that I could get my math homework done before the 1:00 deadline. I HATE to be rushed when doing homework, especially math because I suck at it. My stress levels are elevating because I feel I have soooo much to do but I just don't have the time. I know that school should come before everything else, but I like the four organizations that I am a part of and I will continue to go to them, but it is taking up a lot of time I have found. That and work and a support group I am joining that meets on wednesdays. I have voice lessons at 4:40 on Mondays for an hour and then my classes run a little long on Tuesdays and Thursdays, on Wednesdays I will start having that support group so that leaves me being able to work on Fridays and Saturdays at my current job. I definitely can't live on that, so I decided that I need to look for a job that is closer to here in order to survive and pay all my bills. It was so much easier when I was 12 and didn't have a care in the world....well sort of. The reason I didn't have my math homework done with to begin with was because yesterday I had class until 5:00, and in the beginning of the day when I wasn't doing anything I thought that after the LGBT ice cream social I would have time to do homework. I get a call about a half hour before my first class at 2 from one of my bosses reminding me that we had an employee meeting at 8. SHIT! And these meeting usually last two hours if not longer so I knew that I wouldn't have time for much. So I finished my last class, rush home, eat something really quickly, get my car, and come back to campus for the ice cream social. Ok, so that may not seem very important to you when I compare it to doing homework, but with my current internal battles and such, I really needed to go. It was fun and carefree and I meet some really cool and nice people there, so I was super glad I went. I am still in this phase of not being able to determine how much time I need to get from campus to nevada so I was like two minutes late to the meeting and I was running...and let me tell you, I nearly died. Just running from my car to the store...sad I know. So then we get drilled about how we need to step things up a notch and everything for two hours and finally I get to go home. I get home at like 10:30, and realize that I have a physics worksheet due in class tomorrow as well as math and I was supposed to read for women's studies. So I decided that I can do women's studies some other time (even though it is my second major), and do my physics worksheet. I planned on doing math last night but by the time I was done with physics, I was tired and not focusing so I just decided to go to bed. All that would lead us up to today, which is stressing me out. Thank God that it is friday, so she isn't being too cruel. :) I have a picnic for performing arts majors tonight, but I haven't decided if I'm going to go because I know that I am going to be busy this weekend, so maybe I should just either a) do homework tonight, or some of it, or b) just chill and relax tonight and watch movies that I borrowed from a friend. I guess we'll see.

So 20 DAYS until Grey's Anatomy starts again, and let me tell you, I am super excited. I could use some gay panic to watch on tv. Plus I get Sara Ramirez and Brooke Smith back in my life once a week, which is pretty great!

Think too much

Here I am, sitting in my physics class, just waiting for it to begin. I have had a lot on my mind in the last day and I figured why not let the world know about it, what could it hurt. And besides, I have found that writing in the thing is like a therapy for me. If you have read my previous entries, ok just the last one, you will notice that I talk about a certain boy. Well I have some personal things that are eating at me. Tonight I have to talk to him and tell him that I need to figure out a) the reasons that my last relationship failed and b) If I'm even playing in that league, if you get what I'm saying. If not, in black and white, I need to figure out my sexuality before jumping into a relationships and breaking hearts (which apparently I have done already). I feel really horrible about pretty much leading this guy on and then not even a week later, I have to 'break' up with him...if we were even dating. Not sure about that because we really never talked about it, I just kind of came to that conclusion myself. I guess its better to tell him earlier and not lie to myself. On a brighter note, I found a women at the Women's Center who is gay and I think will really help me understand my own thoughts and feelings. I set up an appointment for tomorrow morning and I'm really grateful that there are people out there that I can talk to about this kind of thing. I know I have trust issues with men in particular, but I think this runs a little deeper than that.



The greatest weekend probably ever.

So this labor day weekend was probably the greatest, most carefree three day weekend I could have asked for. Well to start with on Friday night I had a date (which lets face it, doesn't happen often if at all...:) ) and it was fabulous. He was a great guy and probably one of the nicest and sweetest that I have ever met. So that was friday. Saturday morning I had to work from 8 to 5, but that seems like nothing in compared to the rest of the weekend. Saturday night I went to Colo for some Harley festival (I know...) and my mom and her man were there with his daughter and her boyfriend with "their" three children. My dad and my stepmom were also there with a couple of their friends. John's (my mom's man) daughter and I were very close about four and a half years ago, but circumstances and drama drove us apart and I had only hestitately seen her a couple times since then. I was a little nervous seeing her again and actually spending time talking to her instead of trying to avoid her, but it ended up being great. We reconnected again and even with all the shit that has happened between us, I really think that we can go back to the way it used to be because she is still the same person to me. I am also beginning a new and very special bond with her children that means more to me than anyone could possibly know. Even with Zoey, her youngest, who is different from her oldest, Destiny (people who know me will know exactly what I am talking about), I feel the same bond with both of them. I just hope and pray that it will be able to grow and get stronger because they are fantastic kids and she is doing a remarkable job in raising them. Ok...so Sunday, I was just able to chill out and clean my apartment. Andrew (the boy) was really sweet and brought me lunch because I didn't really want to go outside, I was just content in hanging out at home. He left to go do some homework before he left for Mason City for the rest of the weekend, and so I continued with my cleaning and then listened to In the Heights (which btw is seriously one of the greatest plays of the year and that i have ever heard) while balancing my checkbook. Monday was the icing on the cake, let me tell you. My mom came and picked me up and we went to hang out at a park with John, Tasha (his daughter), Dale (her boyfriend), and the two girls. It was just so fun and carefree and fun that I wish I could redo it because it was that great. There was no awkwardness and it was just all of us, allowing our friendship and closeness to grow from years of straining. I just hope that they understand how much them giving me another chance means to me, and how I hope that our bond grows and doesn't crush under the pressure again. Thank you for making my weekend so fantastic guys!

Voice lessons? :)

So the first week of classes are well in swing, and I am adjusting pretty well. It's nice to have something to do rather than just watch Jon and Kate plus eight or Grey's Anatomy, not that I complain that much when I do. So imagine this.....I go to the Music hall for the start of my Music 133 class (Voice technique) and I meet some other really cool people that are gonna be in my class. There is like seven of us, and we are all just chilling in the hallway waiting for our professor to come open the door for our 11:00 class. It is 11:10, and this girl comes up to us (she was in the class too) and was like I just talked to the main office and they told me that this class isn't being offered. We are all pretty confused and are like can they seriously just drop a class from us when we have it on our schedules! So to make a long story short, we find out that this course in nonexistent! Apparently the music department used to fund this class, (add in here that it is REQUIRED for Performing Arts majors) but more of the general student body was taking it instead of Perf majors. There was only me and another girl that were Perf majors, so we had to sign up for private lessons. Like one-on-one lessons....so sweet! I might actually be kinda good by the end of the semester. I was kind of excited until I found out that it will cost me an extra 250 dollars! Holy shit! But I signed up and will pay anyway, because you can't put a money value on something that could potentially advance my career...right? So now I am signed up to have a voice coach...woot! go me! So yeah...I am pretty excited about this, I'm not gonna lie! :) So maybe next time you see me, I will be an amazing singer. :) yeah I didn't think so either. :) :)

(I plan to become the next Sara Ramirez, so wish me luck....cuz I'll need it ;))

A new place, a new start

Ok, so here I am sitting here watching another episode of a bringing home baby because I really don't have anything to do. So I thought I would write something other than my stories in this journal for a change. Last weekend I moved into my new apartment and so far, I really enjoy being on my own in something larger than a cracker jack box, its very liberating and I found that my mother comes out in me so much more when I'm not around her. Who would have thought that I would become a clean person, I had no idea. Anyway, I have about a half hour to spare before my roommate comes home and we go swimming, which makes me more happy than it probably should....I love water, what can I say. (another bringing home baby just started) So this week really hasn't been all that eventful, although I have changed my major...again. Yes, this is the third time, and even though I did say last time that I think this is it, I REALLY think this time is the last. I need to stop being so indecisive, I mean seriously, I'm a sophomore and I have changed my major three times. So now I am a Performing Arts major, with an emphasis on Acting and Directing (they go together, probably not really going to direct, but I could be handy if I wanted to be the next Steven Spielberg or Joe Mantello). But since we don't just have a theatre major, I have to take classes in which will give me a little idea about everything in performing arts. BALLET happens to be one of them. Do I look like someone who can do well in ballet, I don't think so, but I have to and so that is that. Another class is voice technique, basically voice lessons, which I am taking this semester.....also shall be interesting. Okay, back to this rest of the week, our neighbors who live right across the courtyard are really taking their apartment to the next level. I mean, seriously, do you really need a build patio and an oning.... But to each their own, as my mother always told me. Okay, well that is all for today. Hope everyone is doing well and be safe!