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October 28th, 2012

I love you. Always. (Chenzel fic)

I love you too. Always.

It had been nearly ten years since Wicked began, yet every year on October 30, I can’t help but have my mind wander to her and the beauty we shared.  I will never forget the feeling I had when the curtain fell and the applause of the audience deafened the entire theatre. I never felt so alive and she was there right beside me to share the incredible glory, and now when this day approaches I think back and remember just how phenomenal everything had been, and how it was the start of something painful beautiful between me and her.

After the craziness and bows, we manage to escape to my dressing room to change for the after party, as we had made it habit to always come back to my room even during the San Francisco previews. We had gotten close, part out of necessity of the roles but the other because we had this indescribable chemistry I’ve never had with another co-star.  Basking in the glory of this fantastic musical and the insane welcoming from the audience, Idina and I were hand in hand through my door while talking and laughing incisively about how great we felt and how amazing the night was.  And then it happened. Before I could think twice, her satin like lips were tentatively on mine, with more care and compassion than I had ever felt in my life. I could feel her nervousness, and even though I knew I shouldn’t for obvious reasons, I couldn’t help myself. I knew I had more than friend feelings for her, but as someone who’s never felt that for a woman before, I pushed it into the deep darkness of my mind and heart. I figured they would go away by making it out to be that I admired her talent or that she was just a great person all together. This, however, this did not help my case. As her lips gained more confidence with each passing second, my brain was screaming at me. My heads telling me she’s married and this goes again every moral I was brought up with, but my heart didn’t seem to care. She was here, I was here and this was most definitely happening. We parted and I knew my eyes gave away everything I was thinking, but when she smiled they all seemed to vanish. There was no labels, no talking about it, but I knew this woman was stealing my heart and there was nothing I could do about it.

Throughout the next nine month, our relationship only intensified and I was losing myself in it. I lived and breathed for her and even though I knew it would never last, it didn’t stop my heart from beating for her. She said she loved me and I knew she did, but it didn’t stop her from loving someone else. I wanted to be with her and only her, but she was committed to a relationship that was seven years in the making and I couldn’t possibly compete with that. I turned a blind eye to it and enjoy what we had together while it lasted. Then I had to tell her I was leaving, and it could’ve quite possibly been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Deep down we both understood why it couldn’t go on any longer, but it didn’t make it easier when the time actually came.

We were in my dressing room and I remember pacing back in forth while Idina sat on the couch looking incredibly nervous while her emerald eyes followed me like a tennis match.

“I’m leaving the show, Dee.” I said softly, “I just can’t let this continue, it’s not fair to you or me, and certainly not to Taye. He’s a good man and he loves you more than anything.”

I could hear the gasp before the tears but I couldn’t bear to look at her, I was trying to keep myself together long enough to make it through the night. Her silence in words was enough for me to know that she understood, she knew that she couldn’t keep this forever. I still wasn’t facing her and as my words caught up to me, I could feel the wetness begin to pool at the corners of my eyes. My shoulders shook from a heavy sob I didn’t know I was holding in and I collapsed to the floor as I felt my heart breaking. As I went to wipe away my tears, I felt two slender arms slide across my waist. I let her hold me as we both wept knowing this beautiful thing we shared was coming to end. I turned around in her arms and kissed her with all the love I had in me, just hoping she knew that I loved her more than anything but it just wasn’t meant to be.

“You will always be in my heart Dee, never forget that.” I whispered into her lips as we both cried harder.

“I love you Kris.”

“I love you too. Always.”

The next few weeks were hard ones. We had stolen moments here and there, but we didn’t indulge in them like we used to. We both knew it wouldn’t be good for either one of us, and it was already hard enough. My last show nearly killed me, but I was an actor and I went and did what I always do and played out my role the best I could. We had moments when we both broke character, but the audience expected it and the emotions made for a more intense show. When the curtain fell and we made our way to my dressing room for the last time, the sadness and heartache was thick in the air. We past the threshold and almost as a repeat of the very first time, she cautiously kissed me with the same compassion as nine months ago. She was trying to keep it together but her composure cracked as my arms went around her neck. Our kiss turned into an embrace that said everything we couldn’t say out loud.  After we separated, she decided to go back to her dressing room to shower and change, but made me promise not to leave before saying a final goodbye.

We were back to ourselves and walking ever so slowly out of the Gershwin, trying to make this final moment together last as long as possible. Outside I hailed a cab, and as it slowly came to the curb I felt her hand in mine tighten. Fighting back the tears, I turned to her to see streams of salty sadness flowing down her cheeks.

“Oh Dee,” I murmured, throwing myself in her arms. "We’ll stay in touch, okay?”

We both knew that at least for a while, contact would be too hard to maintain, but I wanted this to be as easy as possible for both of us. She nodded her head anyway, and as I wiped a tear from her face she brought her head down for one last lingering kiss.

“I love you,” she whispered into my mouth.

I sadly smiled at her, gripped her hand, and kissed her one more time. “I love you too. Always.”

Now I’m here, nine years later still thinking about those moments. I miss her and I can’t deny it. Things had changed so much since then but I still wondered if I ever crossed her mind. It was nice to be able to contact her every now and again through all this new technology, but it seemed like it was making those planted feelings come back to life. I know nothing will possible go back to the way it was, but I decided having her in my life in any way shape or form was better than nothing at all. She has a new life with a beautiful son, but I just hope she remembers what we had and that she really will be in my heart forever.